Why Would Someone Think That Adoption Erases A Child’s Identity And Replaces It With A Fake One?
There is nothing fake about me and my very real family or my very real adoptive son, or the very real love and support me husband and me gives to all of our children. So why then would someone say that adoption erases a child’s identity and replaces it with a fake one?
Tags: Adoption, Child's, Erases, Identity, Replaces, Someone, That, Think, With, Would
February 6th, 2010 at 1:29 PM
Because I am legally known as **** *** (Canadian name) and to everyone else, it seems I was “created” when I was brought off that plane back in March of 1987.
In fact, people have told me my life here is all that matters because of my adoptive family.
Do I have a good family? Absolutely. But did my life start here? NO.
No one is saying your love isn’t real. No one is saying the love and support from your family isn’t real. But the birth of a child IS real and to deny that on a BIRTH certificate… erases and replaces it with a lie.
My adoptive parents love me more than anything else in the world. That does not change that I was born to a Taiwanese mother and father in the summer of 1987. It does not mean my adoptive parents’ love is any less. It just means I was not created as an adoptee – that I had a history which is NOT legally recognized.
ETA:
“Only selfish people who want a child to fufill some sick fantasy of living their dreams through a “mini me” would say otherwise.”
Actually… that still happens.
ETA: True, we all change throughout life. Various events shape us and influence our perspectives on how we see the world.
However, I was not born to be a Canadian citizen. I was born to be a Taiwanese citizen living with my Taiwanese parents IN Taiwan. Tragic circumstances forced that to change. But it wasn’t what I was BORN to be. My identity is a combination of both, even though the Canadian one is legally recognized foremost and is of “most” importance, while the Taiwanese one is brushed off to the side.
The funny thing? If I had grown up with my original mother, NO ONE WOULD HAVE QUESTIONED IT.
People are not meant to be born just to separated or abandoned or abused or neglected JUST so adoption can occur. That’s not how the world works.
ETA:
Lashenova, I hate you to call you on the spot, but it seems you haven’t left your PM on so I could actually contact you and discuss your response.
To be frank, it is insulting. It is insulting to read that so many people still think the worst of birthparents. It is insulting to read that because of the label “adoption” that all birthmothers would have beaten/neglected their children or that somehow, they did not love their children simply because they “gave them up.”
That is black and white thinking – that you assume a mother did not want to raise her child on account of hearing that the child is adopted. That is actually quite unfair, and again, assumes the worst of the person who relinquished.
What if the birthmother wanted to raise the child? What if she simply lacked the resources, or access TO any of the available resources? What if she didn’t know ABOUT the resources available? Is that fair?
Or is this where the attitude “too bad, so sad, sux to be you” comes in?
Now THAT I find sad.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:21 PM
When adoptive parents send rude e-mails to adoptees, you have to wonder why sometimes they get talked down to. In any event, I don’t talk down to adoptive parents as a whole, just the ones who don’t understand simple claims.
Pointing out the fake identity created by the fictional birth certificate says nothing about the love you feel for your son. I have never doubted adoptive parents love their children. But adoption itself is born from loss (losing one’s parents) and is cemented with lies (fictional birth certificates). Failure to acknowledge those realities doesn’t make them less problematic.
Why do people continue to talk down to adoptees by dismissing their viewpoints with reference to bad experiences? (You remember… In your rude e-mail to me.) If you want to be treated with respect, you need to show it first.
February 6th, 2010 at 6:07 PM
All four of my parents are real. My relationship with my adoptive parents is a real parents and child relationship.
What’s fake is my birth certificate. My original identity as the child of the people who contributed my genetic material was erased, and I was issued a document that says a sterile man and a woman who’s never given birth contributed my genetic material. It’s a fake and a lie.
It also contributed to my confusion about being adopted as a kid, because if my origins are nothing to be ashamed of, why were they sealed away?
That’s not bashing. That’s reality.
February 6th, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Most people probably think that because it is true. You know, me saying that I feel my identity was erased and that my new one is fake has nothing to do with you, your family, or your adoptive son or your love. It’s my own personal experience. No one is bashing you, they are trying to state their own personal experiences.
Also, the fact that I feel that I lost my identity doesn’t mean I don’t love my parents or in fact have a very real relationship with them.
Does feeling sad that one set of grandparents died mean that you don’t love the other? No. It doesn’t.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:41 AM
Your adopted child had an identity and a family before his adoption. That identity has now been erased. Your child had an original birth certificate that quite likely listed an original name, listing his mother and father, the mother who carried him for nine months and the father who was responsible for his conception.
Now your child has a new birth certificate, a fake one, listing the legal lie that you and your husband gave birth to him. Only in adoption are government records allowed to be falsified. Any other time, it is a felony offence.
My eldest, natural, son did not know his original name until he was 19. All he knew was the new name his former adoptive parents had given to him. His original birth record was replaced by a false one. His original identity was locked away in files that he was not allowed to access. In all but a handful of states, adoptees are still not allowed to see their original birth certificates or know their natural parents names. Their identities have been falsified with a brand new fake birth record.
How on earth can you not be aware that your child has a faked record? I think you are lying that you don’t know.
p.s. it was adoptive parents who originally lobbied for these faked birth records with the original sealed up.
February 7th, 2010 at 4:05 AM
Because it does.
My birth is a state secret. There is a record of my birth, but it is concealed with white paper taped over the entry. Removing that paper and revealing the facts of my birth is a crime. This entry lists my name, the place and date of my birth, and the name of at least my mother. (My mother insists my dad is also listed. I doubt it, but I’m not willing to commit a crime to settle our difference of opinion. I don’t doubt she listed it. I do doubt it was officially recorded.)
The certification of my birth which I am legally allowed to possess lists a different name and a different mother and father. The mother and father listed didn’t even know me when I was born. They had never heard of me, my mother, or any of my family. They were not even present at my birth, let alone responsible for it. The certificate is an absolute lie.
My identity was not changed like one would change their name. It was erased and replaced.
That’s just a fact. It has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not my adoptive parents love me or whether I love them. It’s just a fact.
February 7th, 2010 at 6:47 AM
This forum does become very negative about adoption. Why I think that is because when someone actually has a good experience, they don’t feel that they have to share or talk about it so much. I have wanted to leave this forum many times because of the negative comments I have received, but then I realized that this forum needs some people standing up for adoption, and the good that it CAN bring. I was adopted as an infant, and I have never felt that I have an identity that has been replaced or erased. My identity is not placed in who I was born too. That does not mean that I don’t love and respect my birth mother. I do very much. I have 2 adopted as well, and if I went through a bad childhood, because of my adoption, I would never have adopted. I am very sorry to hear that some people truly feel that they have lost their identity. But that doesn’t happen in every family. It did not happen in mine. My parents are real, they raised me and loved me. I think a lot of positive people have left this forum because they got tired of hearing that we are living in denial if we are well adjusted. I am staying because I am so sure that positive is needed.
February 7th, 2010 at 10:02 AM
Because it does. My ap’s are not related to me, yet my birth certificate says they gave birth to me. They are of another nationality, too.
You have been posting here long enough, and have now adopted. You need to get it through your head right quick that having good adoptive parents has nothing to do with our losses. Oh, and the bad adoptive parents are the ones who dont recognize this.
It would serve you and your child well to pay attention to the adoptive parents on this site who know how adoption can negatively affect their adoptive child. To pretend there is no loss, including their original identity, is child abuse.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:33 PM
It has to do with the sealing of the original birth certificate and the creation of the amended birth certificate. That official document reads that you and your husband are the biological parents of your adoptive son. That simply isn’t the truth.
Your love is real. Your family is real. You are “real” parents too.
But that document is incorrect.
February 7th, 2010 at 5:33 PM
um because it’s true? And it has nada to do with your love for your kid. Adoption is a legalized lie in which an adoptee’s original information is sealed away and they are given a new one. For which a birth certificate is issued stating the adoptive parents as the natural ones.
My amom was infertile. Dunno how she managed to conceive and birth me. And heck, for my brother, she didn’t even have a uterus, is he a medical miracle? Our identities were erased. they were replaced with fake ones. It’s just truth. Its not bashing or talking down, it’s really just the honest truth.
February 7th, 2010 at 10:40 PM
The love is never fake.
My identity is.
My ‘birth’ certificate lists a woman who wasn’t even in the country when i was born, she;’d never even given birth.
I was born at 6pm, not 2am like my BC lists.
My name at birth was not the one on my birth certificate.
It is an absolute and utter lie.
It completely and legally erases all record of my first mother.
Which is a lie.
She gave birth to me, not the woman listed on the BD.
She named me, my father visited me, held me, loved me.
Yet legally they are strangers.
The love and relationships are never fake.
But my legal identity is a complete lie.
Why do they have to erase my first mother in order for me to be adopted?
Why do they have to erase my birth records, and pretend someone else gave birth to me?
Why can’t it just be the truth, my first mother gave birth to me and my a-parents adopted me?
What’s so wrong with recognising the truth?
February 8th, 2010 at 12:39 AM
Embrace both families…I support you. Love both families I support you. Open records, I support you and will fight the valiant fight.
The people who want to live their whole lives as defined by a moment in time and on TOP of that go around telling other people how they should also embrace their lives were lies…that is just not logical. Fine…go back and change time…I am sure your lives would be much better and telling the rest of the world that your life as lived BY YOU is lie than go right ahead.
That is more of a reflection of a life less lived and you not honoring your life, the people in your heritage whether you know what or who it is or not, or all of the people who love you than having an adopters steal who you are.
Well….most of these answers are semantics. Honestly…if I hear the same crowd of people say that their entire lives were defined by their birth…and as adoptive parents we stole their lives from them etc…
February 8th, 2010 at 4:24 AM
I would never think that–regardless of what I read here. I know many adoptive families in the area around here and none of them done that happy reunion thing—although my daughter did try and at its best was very difficult for her as she has told us. She is very real and she is her own person and always will be.
February 8th, 2010 at 5:49 AM
Welcome back.
NOT.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:40 AM
One very real reason is that your medical history, things that run through your ancestry and your husbands ancestry have no real bearing on what your child faces as he grows up.
I don’t recall anyone ever saying that adoptive parents are incapable of love. Some are better at it than others, just like non adoptive parents.
Think beyond your child’s age level. One day he’s going to start having medical situations that you nor your husbands genetics can explain. Some people say its just as easy to run thousands of tests with today’s modern technology, but the truth is, not all insurance companies are excited about or willing to spring for all those tests, then there are those who have no insurance, how do they pay for all those tests? And what about the pain a person is in while they run all those tests?
To any non adoptee, it’s a simple common courtesy, taken for granted, that hereditary medical info will be available to you when you need it, all you have to do is ask.
Ethnicity is a nice thing to know too. I know what ethnicity I am by talking to my mother and father. I know someone who thought she was part jewish because of her features. She recently found out she is part hispanic. Its a common courtesy, that explains some things, about them as individuals.
The only adoptive parents who get bashed are those who are unwilling to listen to any other view point but their own. Who cling fast to what their adoption agency told them about adoptee’s being blank slates, and surrendering mothers being substandard. I’m not substandard in any way, in fact I feel I am superior to “some” in the fact that I have lived a life of pain and survived, I have done something that they admittedly could not do.
No one is calling you a fake. No one is calling your love fake. Some say there is a difference in the love between adopted and non adopted children, maybe there was in their home. I wouldn’t know, I have no adopted children. I can only relate to what I know. But I would never deny anyone their feelings on a subject or situation I know nothing about and can’t relate to.
Besides can you not see the bashing that goes on in here toward surrendering mothers, happy adoptee’s or angry bitter adoptee’s? Everyone gets it, not just adoptive parents.
February 8th, 2010 at 7:37 AM
I like to think that both identities make up the whole of who my kids are. Adoptive and genetic. Neither are fake and very real.
We know we’re real,(Aparents) the thing is so is the first family too. I’m talking about if they’re good people or not, thats not the point of it all. I’m married and I changed my surname to my husbands, but I still recognise my family of origin and the name that remains on my birth certificate. Its still part of who I am. The difference is no one sealed all my records once I was married because we formed another family together.
The adoptions especially were done in the past, mainly out of ignorance was that sealed records meant you would never know anything. For some people that hurt badly, left a hollow space, a void. Not all people feel like that, but we have to consider those who do.
Victoria, just be confident as a mother, and don’t feel threatened by the knowledge of you kids information or their need to know it. Work to be open to why things have changed in countries other than your own. (You might not, just trying not to assume.)
Thats one of the mistakes adoptive parents in the past made and paid for it. I know a few who ended up losing out because of those fears and pressure on their kids who felt guilty for wanting to know anything about birth families. I have a close friend who’s an adoptive mother who is very insecure about things like this. We talk about it, she’s working through it and trying not to let her son see how she’s feeling about it so he doesn’t feel pressure or guilt if he choses to search. He’s a teenager now. (I don’t judge her because of it, she’s human after all, I feel her fears are groundless, but she’s the one who has to see that. and she feels how she feels, and I won’t belittle her for it because I’m open to more things than she is.)
Its a valid question, at least you asked it.
All the best!
February 8th, 2010 at 10:54 AM
First, we need to define our terms: what do we mean by “identity”? Adoption laws, courts, agencies, and most any and all other agents involved in adoption have a clear interest in rupturing all ties of a child with its progenitors and community, and replacing them with others, as defined by the legal system that they control on all levels. To do this, myths have been built up concerning adoption that, when challenged, place those in power, those in control of the situation–including parents–in a moral dilemma: Even if they agree with what is being said–theoretically, morally, ethically–the circumstances of their lives, the weight of their laws, the preponderance of notions of property in their legal system, as well as the sheer desire to make it so, all result in questions such as this one being asked, as well as in the way the question is framed. In purely legal terms, due to the fact that for the majority of states in the U.S. a child’s birth certificate is sealed by the courts, or that for most of us adopted overseas our birth documentation is completely falsified–an avalanche of bogus paperwork in order to shuttle us out of the country–then yes, I think it is fair to say that an adopted child’s identity, as defined in this legalistic manner, is not his or her real or true identity.
Second, what strikes me particularly strange about having growing up in the United States is the attention given to all aspects of, say, the immigrant experience, and genealogy, and “roots”, and ethnicity, such that everyone gets a “hyphen” attached to their country of origin–Polish-American, Italian-American, and in my case, Lebanese-American–except for the true-blue Americans, who are simply “all-American”. Given this pride taken in ethnicity, and the obvious hierarchy it establishes in terms of racism, xenophobia, and the like, how is it possible to claim some kind of ethnicity–or other marker of identity–for any child who has not grown up in his or her culture? Eating falafel does not make me “Lebanese”, and I still do not claim to be Lebanese now that I’m living here. Why allow such pretension in the States? So in this case as well, I think that my American identity was not “true”–it was instead a series of masks, of affectations–neither in terms of my adoptive family, nor in terms of my birth country.
Third, and as an elaboration of this, I would admit to having an identity, that is made aware to me when I am around people from where I grew up–our speech patterns, our cultural references, our way of seeing things–all are reflective of a time in U.S. history when individual and local areas all had their own manners and mores, quirks, and culture. This of course has now been paved over, suburbanized, and WalMartized. This truly local culture has been replaced by a strange globalized and globalizing hodgepodge of references to superficial trappings of ethnic “style”, such that a child’s identity is not formed in a local town, say, but from a Mountain Dew commercial instead. Perhaps this is what is meant by “identity” in this question?
Fourth and finally, I think there is a hypocrisy within the American view of itself in terms of adoption, in the sense that society and culture in general make reference to blood lines, ancestry, familial ties, and the “nurture” aspect of family relationships, such that we have no problem saying, “he’s a chip off the old block” or else, “she takes after her grandmother on her mother’s side”, or “he’s the spitting image of his father.” Why should it be, then, that all of a sudden the adopted child is supposed to believe that in his or her case, this doesn’t matter? That there is no nature, only nurture? How is it not possible to understand that each and every one of these references might seem slight in and of their own selves, but in the aggregate, are like being bled to death from a million tiny cuts?
The problem here is much deeper than portrayed, because it isn’t a bunch of so-called anti-adoption activists that have made suicide the number one cause of death for adopted Korean males in certain adoptive countries, for example. It isn’t “bad answers” on this bulletin board that have driven hundreds if not thousands of adopted children from Korea, Taiwan, Lebanon, etc., in progressive waves of generations of dispossessed children who vainly attempt to reverse their exodus and return to their lands of birth, in a useless but necessary attempt to re-establish some vague sense of what we currently refer to as “identity”. In 10, 15, and 20 years, it will be the turn of Ukraine, and Russia, and Guatemala, and Ethiopia, and Kenya, and Kazakhstan, and and and…., until such a day, God willing, that the injustice of adoption, and thus this destruction of identity, can be definitively stopped, once and for all.
And so you can challenge this “revolt”, with a kind of haughtiness that I’m sure is not normally of you, and thereby risk alienating your adopted child, or you can make the huge leap necessary in your worldview in order to attempt to finally understand, instead of simply imposing on him or her, and by extension, on all of us, these myths that we simply wish to point out as being such; in an effort to clear the air; to breathe. To start a process of healing. To know who we are.
February 8th, 2010 at 1:39 PM
I suppose it’s the same people who see everything in the world in black and white…
what they probably mean is that who the child would have become, ie, their future identity, has been taken away… this is a very simplistic and quite frankly, stupid, viewpoint.
Every person on the planet has a future identity that is changed every day by things that happen in their lives, both good and bad. A child’s future identity would change hugely by parents dying, parents divorcing, moving to another country, going to a different school, becoming friends with a specific person, doing a sport etc…these things can all lead their lives into very different paths…none of them ‘fake’, just different.
An adoptive childs identity is no more fake than a child who has experienced any of the above examples.
at the end of the day, what counts is that you love your boy and he loves you…ignore anyone who tells you different!
February 8th, 2010 at 7:29 PM
Thank you Victoria. You’ve proved my point. One of the very few people here who share an opinion with me.
February 9th, 2010 at 12:39 AM
Because They don’t Know any better… -And YOU Do.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:28 AM
I think adoption is wonderful. You are a kind, loving person and should feel proud of yourself.
I can’t believe people would say it is fake. They must be jealous that they cannot afford to adopt, or they are just mean people in general. Ignore them. .
You are a gift to that child, and you should ignore anyone who says otherwise. Only selfish people who want a child to fufill some sick fantasy of living their dreams through a “mini me” would say otherwise.
The parents gave up their rights. It is not their right to be so angry over a child they handed over to someone else. Open adoptions do exist, however. If the person who gave up her child is angry, she should look at herself. She is probably just very sad and angry at herself. It is natural for people to have guilt and feel jealous. They gave their children up for adoption. They are mad that their birth children love someone else. Well, the adopted parents obviously loved and provided for and the birth mother didn’t.
This is life. It is sad that people have to give their children away, but it is a good decision for some people to make. I can understand how hard it must be. I think it is sadder that so many children live in homes with violence and drugs. It is better for the child to be cared for properly.
I don’t understand why this causes so much anger. Yes you have changes to your record…is it really worth being so upset that someone who didn’t want to raise you is no longer tied to you in any way? I am sure it hurts…but why would someone be so upset about it? I guess it is something i will never undertstand. But everyone should try to make the best of it, and be happy as possible imo.