What Should I Call My Son After Adoption ?
After 27 years my son i gave up for adoption is back in my life,i cant take away the title of mom or mother from the adoptive parent that raised him.What would His title be to me at this time ? He is technically their son by adoption, But what is the term i use to refer to him ? Son just seems inappropriate – insensitivetive to them.
February 25th, 2010 at 1:27 PM
He is your son. You never lost that. As for this gratitude thing you have, remember that the adoptive parents OWE you big time for the privilege and joy of raising your child, a joy you likely would have given anything to be able to have. Parenthood is not a burden or a chore — it is a pleasure. You owe them nothing. They would not have been “parents” without you surrendering your baby for whatever reason.
Your son will choose what he wants to call you. He may decide to call you by your first name, or call you mother or mom. You are his mother, He is your son. Reunions work out when everyone realizes that an adoptee can have two mothers and love two mothers just as a mother can love two children. There should be no competition. He may call you by your first name and then later on decide to call you Mom. My son started calling me Mom about a year and a half into reunion .
My 29 yr old son whom I am reunited with, calls me Mom and introduces me as his mother. I refer to him as the son I lost to adoption, my eldest son, or my surrendered son, if I have to tell anyone that he was lost to adoption. As we’ve been reunited for 10 years and he lives with me, the topic almost never comes up.
You are his natural mother. His mother by the laws of nature. Respect yourself as that.
ETA: “Tru3 Lov3r” states that his adoptive parents are his “real parents.” This is a matter of opinion. HIS opinion. For many adoptees, my own son included, they consider their natural parents to be their real parents. Or consider both to be their real parents. It is up to the adoptee involved. However, your son’s adoptive parents are, by definition, substitute parents.
ETA2: Some adoptees are REALLY offended by terms like “birth son” etc. as it is close to saying they’re nothing but a “birth product.” Some mothers feel very uncomfortable with ‘birthmother’ as it implies that you’re nothing but a breeder. So, don’t assume he’ll automatically want to use these terms.
I also suggest you head over to adultadoptees.org and do some reading.
February 25th, 2010 at 6:25 PM
I’m a birthmom in an open adoption… I refer to my son as exactly that… “the son I placed for adoption” if I need to clarify. And I refer to his parents as his parents… again, unless there’s a reason to specify “adoptive” parents.” Most of the open adoption birthmoms I know (and those who have reunited) do the same… some use “birth” son or daughter, but mostly to differentiate between a child they placed for adoption and one they are parenting.
February 25th, 2010 at 7:58 PM
If you have two children and refer to one as “son” or “daughter,” is it insensitive to the other one? No, because that’s your relationship to both of them– you have two children, and they both fill that role.
Likewise, adopted adults and children have two sets of parents. Their adoptive parents who raised them, and their biological parents who created them. Unless there’s major insecurity on someone’s part, acknowledging either one shouldn’t reflect badly on the other at all. It’s just being realistic.
Reunion in adoption, like any relationship, is about mutuality. So if your son is uncomfortable, you may need to find some sort of compromise.
However, as the default, I would go with “son.” It doesn’t mean you think he’s NOT the son of his adoptive parents– it means that you’re realistically acknowledging that adoptees have parents by nature and parents by nurture. I don’t think you need to play word games about this unless it actually turns out to be an issue of concern for your son. I would be surprised if it is.
I assume in most of your interactions with him, you’ll just call him by his first name anyway. It’s not like families are sitting around the supper table and say, “Please pass the bread, Daughter.” When the situation comes up that you’re talking about him rather than to him, you may need to adapt a little to context anyway, since not everyone knows your whole life story. So you might say just “my son” if that makes sense without clarification, or “the son I placed for adoption,” or “our son” including his adoptive parents, or “my reunited son,” and so on. I think most of this will probably fall into place naturally as the relationship evolves.
February 26th, 2010 at 1:29 AM
He is your son, so call him “son.” If he calls his adoptive parents “mom and dad’ he will still continue to call them that. You are not taking anything away from them.
Your relationship was set by nature, by giving birth to him. Pregnancy…. and giving birth are a big deal.
He wouldn’t be here without you. The words for people we are related to are not something we have to ‘earn” as some have suggested. If that were so, then your son would have to earn his title to be related to you.
Titles are given because of birth, marriage, adoption, and other relationships. Some are legal, like in-laws and relatives by marriage, and others are biological. Some titles can even be both legal and biological.
February 26th, 2010 at 5:18 AM
Call him by his first name. I’m an adopted child, 48, and just recently found my birth family. My birth mother passed away years ago but I would have loved to have met her. For me, it would be wonderful just to hear my name come from her mouth. To know, when she speaks my name, that it’s me she’s referring to, not some title. When introducing him, if it’s with family, then say this is my son [name] (they’ll hopefully already know the situation). If it’s an introduction with other than family, just introduce him by name. Relationship titles can be tacky because the importance of the relationship is personal and private (unless when you introduce your other children, you say their title, then just include the title son as well). BTW – a question… you say you can’t take away the title of mom or mother away from the adoptive parent but your avatar name is Robert?
February 26th, 2010 at 12:05 PM
He is still you son even though legally he isn’t. My son is 28 and we reunited 5 years ago. I either refer to him as my son or by his name as that is the appropiate thing to do. The alternative is you both discuss the subject and decide on what you are both comfortable with. Incidently my son’s adoptive parents have always referred to me as his mother or natural mother and that he is my son as well as theirs. It is something we are all comfortable with as we see it in the light of him having two mothers and two fathers plain and simple.
February 26th, 2010 at 6:52 PM
You already said it yourself “what should I call MY SON…..”
He is your son. It may seem awkward for a while (but it will be anyway as you guys get to know each other). It’s no different than any other relationship (when do you call a girlfriend, your girlfriend? same thing). It will come with time. Until then, just treat it like you would a girlfriend, this is (name). You should maybe explain to people ahead of time who he is to avoid uncomfortable situations until you get to the comfort zone of your relationship. If you are visiting a friend and taking him along, call the friend ahead of time, explain the situation and when you get there, you can introduce him by his name. The friend knows who he is and you avoided everyone feeling uncomfortable. When the relationship becomes comfortable, this will fade itself out. Relax and enjoy your son. Congrats to you and him for finally finding each other.
February 26th, 2010 at 9:31 PM
Whatever seems right to you and to him.
I am able to love two children – I trust that my children will be able to love both their moms (and both dads). We all know who is who, and I don’t think it’s disrespectful. Heck, I call my in-laws mom and dad – that doesn’t take away from who my “real” mom and dad are, does it? You are still a parent to him, just not the only parent.
February 26th, 2010 at 11:16 PM
1-This is between you and your son. It is polite to consider the aparents’ feelings, but in the end, it is about what you and your son are comfortable with. Other people are secondary to that relationship.
2-Ask him. Tell him what you said here. That you don’t want to take away from his relationship with his aparents and you want to know what he is comfortable with you calling him and what he is comfortable calling you. Again, this is between you two. Each adoptee is going to have different feelings about this and the only way you can know what he is alright with is to ask him.
3-If you want to know my personal take on it: I call my n-mom by her name. She calls me by my name. Online or when talking with other people, I call her (depending on who I am talking with) my bio-mom or my n-mom. She generally refers to me as her daughter. My n-dad usually calls me his daughter and refers to himself and my n-mom as my mom and dad. I call him by his first name. Those are the rules that work for us.
February 27th, 2010 at 5:01 AM
You call him your son, because that’s what he is.. His adoptive parents know he’s adopted and knows he has another set of parents. He is your son. He is also their son.
I am a reunited adoptee. I am called daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin by BOTH of my families. To call me anything else would be disrespectful and would hurt me.
February 27th, 2010 at 7:28 AM
Plain and simple….your son is your Son! What else would you call him? Surely not a birth-thingy son, would you? I am reunited with my very adult daughter…I am not her mom, but I surely am her mother…not a birth-thingy…and she is my daughter…I could never think to reduce her to a birth-thingy daughter either…MAJOR YUCK!!!!
He is your son.
BTW…I was separated by closed adoption from my daughter for 34 years….I only ever thought of her as my daughter or my *Baby Girl*. I still do.
ETA: I introduce my daughter (lost to adoption and now reunited) to people, as just that….”This is my daughter, ****” I don’t need to explain anything else, as it simply is no one’s business. At first my daughter did introduce me as the ‘birthmother’ thingy…I explained to her my feelings about that..that the term ‘birthmother’ was unacceptable to me in my presence. She balked a little, saying to call me otherwise would be disrespectful to her aparents….HUH????? So I said…”OK, from now on I will introduce you as my ‘birthdaughter’, how does that sound to you”? She replied that no, no, no…she didn’t like the way that sounded at all. She now introduces me as her mother. Her amother is her ‘Mom’ and my daughter calls me by my first name, which is A-OK with me! You can call me anything….just don’t call me that birth-thingy thing! My raised kids also don’t agree with the birth-thingy stuff either, nor the rest of my family. My daughter’s asister, on our first conversation, referred to me as my daughter’s mother. Even her amother when we first met, acknowledged that her adoptive daughter had TWO mothers.
February 27th, 2010 at 1:37 PM
Regardless of anyone’s feelings on the subject you are the reason that child came to be and so you are by the comon and binding laws of nature his parent, and he is your son. Call him your son if he’s comfortable with it. I really don’t think his adoptive parents would have an issue with it… they know he had birth parents when they adopted him, To deny that years later is stupid.
February 27th, 2010 at 8:05 PM
It’s not about them; it’s a relationship between two adults who can do whatever they feel comfortable with and not have to walk on eggshells in case someone might get upset.
I have two mothers one does not negate the other and I have close relationships with both. Both mothers are real. Both are Mothers.
Best of luck in your reunion
ETA Yeah, Tru3 Lov3r, we adoptees tend to outwardly say that stuff to appease the status quo lest we be labelled bitter, angry or ungrateful LOL what goes on in times of an adoptee’s inner reflection you may never comprehend . . .
February 27th, 2010 at 9:18 PM
I’m in reunion with my natural mother and we call each other by our first names. But when I’m speaking to someone about her, I call her my mother and she also calls me her daughter. Because that’s what we are…mother and daughter.
February 28th, 2010 at 3:31 AM
uh, your son.
my daughter was adopted, but she is still my daughter. her amom would laugh her a$$ off if i tried to call her something else.
like..my “spawn”???
February 28th, 2010 at 9:43 AM
his name, and he can call u by yours
February 28th, 2010 at 3:48 PM
you’re all adults, first names with each other. If you are introducing him to someone or refering to him in some way, identifying the relationship is not important.
February 28th, 2010 at 9:45 PM
He should call you his mother, and you should call him your son. He is old enough to be able to make the distinction.
March 1st, 2010 at 12:36 AM
Your best bet would be to talk to your bio son about this and ask him what he feels comfortable with.
March 1st, 2010 at 1:15 AM
I was adopted, and I’m the daughter of all my parents. He’s still your son, no matter what.
March 1st, 2010 at 1:20 AM
I really respect and appreciate that Rodger wants to be sensitive to this issue.
It’s not my intent to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I so strongly disagree with some of the responders and statements like “You’re a mother by the laws of nature” – what hogwash! What makes you a parent? The contribution of sperm, an egg and/or a uterus?
Your parents are the people who loved you, raised you, provided for you, bandaged your boo-boos, etc. all your life. It doesn’t matter if those people were related to you by blood or not, they ARE your mom and dad.
I respect and honor a woman’s decision to place a child for adoption rather than aborting – it may be an act of love, but it doesn’t make you that child’s mother. Some adopted children are taken from abusive homes in which case the biological parents have even less right to call themselves mom or dad.
Mom and Dad are titles you EARN in my book. Frankly, I don’t see how looking up a stranger after 30 years and calling her “mom” could NOT tear at the heart of the mother who loved and raised you. I just can’t imagine being that insensitive.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:33 AM
He is infact your son..so call him that or by his name you won’t be taking the role of his real parents because he already gave them there roles when they adopted him, they will always be his real parents and you will always be his birth father so just be there for him and try to make up for all the years you’ve missed on out which is basically just being there..thats all most adopted kids ever want is to know that there birth parents did think about them and did want them..but knew they’d have a better life with someone else..trust me you won’t be replacing his parents..you’ll just be giving him a bigger family =]
Redbook: Sorry if I have offended you but I’m only going by the adopted friends and family I have had..Ive known 4pple who were adopted and all of them told me that they did NOT consider there adopted parents as (substitues)..they thought of them as the real thing,but everyone is different Im just going by what I know from others who were adopted as Ive said in the beginging..truthfully not all adopted people feel the same and sorry if I made it seem that way,I also don’t think not all adopted people think of there adoptive parents as substitues as you stated
March 1st, 2010 at 7:30 AM
I agree with you, i would ask him or his parents if they can suggest one.
It really is something that time will take care of. I f you need it to
introduce him you can refer to him as your birth son or you’re his birth mother
It is the true, so it should be the right way. Why not just by his name and only use his title
birth son when introducing him to people that matter to you.
What a gift to be able to meet and know him, congratulations and Happy Holidays.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:06 AM
I would call him by his name. And he can call you by your name, if you gain confidence with him you he can call you uncle____. Remember you are his birthfather, his other parents raised him, so he may become a friend of yours.
March 1st, 2010 at 1:26 PM
Try another term that means maybe the same thing, like a nick name just you use for him. I guess thats not super helpful. Maybe son in another launguage? My husband calls his step mom Mom and his biological mom mother.
March 1st, 2010 at 2:53 PM
I know someone in your situation and she calls him her nephew, and he calls her aunt Sarah, his adoptive parents don’t mind because its not mom or dad but he’s more than a friends soo…
))
hope i helped