What All Goes Into Having An Open Adoption?
My cousin and his girlfriend want my husband and I to adopt their baby when it is born next year, and they want an open adoption. What kind of paperwork goes into an open adoption? Is it basically the same as a closed adoption? What kind of rights do the birth parents keep with an open adoption? My husband’s and my biggest concern is if they will have the ability to take back the baby if they change their mind.
July 13th, 2010 at 5:24 PM
It’s basically where you and your fearful husband promise the parents to an “open” adoption. You tell them they can visit, you’ll share pics and stories, etc. You might even mean it at the time.
But after a while you and hubby will tire of the thought that your child has parents before you, and you will decide it’s “not right” for junior to see his biological parents–he’ll get “confused”.
When the truth is that your security in your relationship with this child who has another set of parents is weakening. You want to be the ONLY parents! After all you’re the one to change the diapers, right? You’re the ones who pay the bills! All he did was provide a “sperm donation” and she did was “pop out a baby”! Who do they think they are?!
What’s cool is that EVERYONE will back you up. Extended family, friends and acquaintances. They’ll tell you that you’re the ONLY parents, and that it’s BEST for your kid not to see these people.
Trouble is there is one person will be very, very angry with you. The child that you tried so hard to posses for years will demand to know WHY you took his PARENTS away from him. He might even cut you off as an adult for denying him a relationship with his parents for all that time.
So you and DH do yourselves (and this child) a favor. Allow this child to know his parents. Allow him to have two sets of parents. Allow him to live in reality instead of pretending he doesn’t care about his original parents to spare your feelings.
Or better yet–help your cousin parent his OWN child.
July 13th, 2010 at 6:44 PM
What state are you in? In most, no, once they sign over their rights, they can’t legally take the baby back – though they can decide to parent at any point before they sign their rights over, usually in the hospital. In some states there is a period of 30-odd days where they can take back their decision – if they prove to the court that they’re ready to parent, I believe.
Don’t be scared of “open” adoption, seriously. Everything is on paper, & it’s very legal. The important thing is, you need to be committed to the level of openness they want – you can’t say you will do one thing & then take it back.
Do they live far away, & want pictures 2-3 times a year? Do they live in your hometown, & want to spend holidays, birthdays, & have complete disclosure about who they “are” to your adoptive child? Are you prepared for that? It’s a very beautiful way to raise a child, and a lot of people wouldn’t have it any other way. But only you guys can decide.
If you’re not ready for a lifetime committment, I wouldn’t do it. It’s not fair to anyone. You guys are family, so in theory it shouldn’t be that hard – but then visits come, you think they’re over-stepping your parenting, drama follows, etc. I’d discuss this between you, and then see an adoption counselor, & make the right decision for all of you.
Sunny, I just read your post, and my heart breaks for you. I know where you’re coming from, and you email me if you wanna talk.
And PS, no one gets to give Sunny a thumbs-down if she hasn’t been there before.
July 13th, 2010 at 9:03 PM
They most certainly can change their mind. It’s their right.
If the only reason you’re discussing and “considering” an open adoption is to bridge that gap between birth and the revocation period…then I think you are perpetrating a fraud against these people.
If that’s not the case…here’s my opinion.
First of all, the revocation period is unrelated to closed vs. open adoption choices. They may very well decide this isn’t what they want anymore. It’s one of the risks of adopting. If you can’t face that possibility you shouldn’t be doing this because you will be putting undue pressure on this couple to stick to their adoption plan. It may be unintentional but it’s clear from your question that you’re already attached.
You should consider as well, the possibility that they could break up (it might happen, I don’t know them) in which case he may not sign the adoption papers.
Open adoptions are not legally enforceable to my knowledge or at least not for the long term. We have an open adoption and that’s the only way in our view. To be fair…our son’s bio mom is at our “mercy” on that…so don’t treat it in a cavalier way. Just because a bio parent may not have the “right” to keep with an open adoption…doesn’t mean the child should be denied that right.
Open adoptions can vary from very minimal contact to involvement in family gatherings. Seeing as these are family members, you need to be prepared for long term involvement unless you physically move.
So it is NOT the same as a closed adoption. Again, please respect the original plan. If you cannot stand by their request, someone else should be adopting. It’s a moral issue. They are trusting you with the most precious gift imaginable. I pray you won’t betray them.